It starts with Edward Gold, a detective in Spitbucket USA 1886 (approx) trying to find the prince of England who had gone missing. His first impression of this place is quite strange. He sees a man, and the man asks “you want my ass, dontcha?” Edward does not deny this. The man then says “well, you can’t have her!” and we find out this “ass” is his donkey.
He finds a saloon called a good place to start, and he goes into the saloon and orders a… bear? Edd misread the handwriting, which means Edward has messy handwriting. Edd reads over it again and discovers it said “beer”.
Edward sips his beer and then talks to the barkeeper, Todd. He says that he’s looking for the prince of England and pulls out a picture of Matthew, the prince, with his chest out and looking pretty, um, sexy. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Before Todd can answer, if he was even planning on it, a man interrupts, asking if he was “nailed to the floor”. Edward confusedly says no, and the man says “then he was taken by bandits.” Edward questions him on how he knows, and he says how anything not nailed to the floor gets taken by bandits. Edward asks him if he has told the sheriff.
He is the sheriff.
Edward is delighted to be talking to the sheriff, and says that he was told that he’d be willing to help. Thompson says he can’t help, because he has too many problems already. Someone bursts in and says that the bandits took all the nails. Thompson grumbles about how he “told them they should’ve nailed down those nails.” Edward looks at him expectantly and Thompson reluctantly agrees to let him help.
Meanwhile, Matthew has been kidnapped by bandits in Fort Provoking, and is in a cage. Eduardo is holding a necklace, and he says he loves being a bandit. Marco, another bandit, says “yes, friend” in Spanish. Eduardo reacts with confusion to the language. He tries to… “politely” ask if the bandits can let him go, and Eduardo, one of the bandits, says no, and that he’s going to ransom him off and make thousands. Marco, says in Spanish, “yes, lots of money.” Eduardo looks at him weird, and asks “what?”
Eduardo tells Juan, the third bandit, to keep an eye on the prince. Juan does as he is told. He asks what it’s like being a prince, and Matthew says that it’s marvelous, and that ladies love a prince. Juan says he likes ladies, but he wishes that they liked him…
What’s this?
Matthew spots the rusty keys, and an idea forms in his head. He says he’ll teach Juan how to be a prince.
Back with Edward and Sheriff Thompson, the sheriff says that in order to clean up the town, he’ll have to use a gun. Edward tries to shoot the gun at the propped up bottles on a fence, and Thompson stops him. He says you can’t fire a gun without giving it a name first. Edward calls the gun Brian, and Thompson stops him, saying he can’t give it a man’s name. Edward questions what Thompson’s is called as he takes a drink from his flask.
Thompson says his gun is named gun flatly, and shoots at the bottles, shooting 3 without missing. Edward is seemingly impressed. “You drink before you shoot?” He asks.
“Everyone needs a little something,” Thompson says. Edward tries to shoot at the bottles sober, and misses, shooting someone in their “favorite knee.” Someone then suddenly says to them that the bank is getting robbed. Edward promises that he and Brian are going to clean up the town, and then he’ll have no choice but to help. He walks into the bank, and immediately gets shot at.
There’s a montage where he fails at helping literally everyone. The job seems to be too hard for him.
After the montage, it’s back to Matthew and Juan. He had Juan place tons of books on his head, saying he needed proper posture. Juan says his back is hurting. Matthew said that it gets easier the longer he stays still, as he tries to grab the keys, but then everything falls. Juan says “it does get easier!”
Edward and Thompson are back in the saloon, and Edward says he’s a miserable failure, and that he’s failed his mission, with Thompson agreeing with every self-deprecating comment. He tells Thompson that crime is nothing like this in England, and Thompson tells Todd to get Edward a whiskey, but to his demise, the bandits have taken all of th whiskey. Thompson is now in a corner looking quite upset about this. Edward asks if he has anything else, and Todd says that they just got a new drink called “Co-La.”
Before I continue, Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it, and when Coca Cola was first introduced, it was near 1886. They stopped putting cocaine in the drink in the early 1900’s.
Edward tries the drink, and immediately has a reaction to it. The sheriff walks back over, and asks him if he’s okay- before Edward zooms off, fixing everything he passes in the process, and when everything is fixed, he crashes and is on the ground.
Then we get a lovely crotch shot from Sheriff Thompson, before he says a promise is a promise. Edward had fixed everything. Thompson says, let’s go get your prince.
At Fort Provoking, Juan is dressed up in a cape, a paper crown, and a stick for a staff. Matthew says that something isn’t quite right, and that the problem is the rusty keys on his belt. Matthew holds out his hand, and Juan starts to hand them over, before Eduardo shouts for him to get over to where they are. Juan takes the cape and crown off, and runs off. The crown lands right into Matthew’s hand, and in a fit of rage, punches the door open.
Edward and Thompson are outside, and tell the bandits that they’re putting a stop to what they’re doing. Eduardo asks “you and what army?” Edward appears behind Thompson, and Thompson says “this one.” Edward starts, and then immediately is interrupted by gun fire and scrambles away. Matthew walks out, and nearly misses the gunfire, with Thompson pulling him behind a rock.
Eduardo tells them to give it up, and Marco says “even a dead man has more to hope for” in Spanish. Eduardo says that he literally doesn’t understand him all the time.
Edward, Thompson and Matthew are stuck behind two rocks, and Edward doesn’t know what to do. Thompson says he has a plan, and throws him a bottle of Co-La. Edward says this is a terrible plan, but Thompson says “everyone needs a little something.”
Edward drinks it, and then there’s a Red Dead Redemption reference. He shoots at the bandits, and he shoots Eduardo in the knee. Eduardo proceeds to say “my second favorite knee” in pain. Eduardo, Marco and Juan are thrown into jail. Juan says they can’t do this, and that he’s a prince, and Eduardo smacks him on the head. Juan calls it treason, and Eduardo tells him to shut up. Marco says yes, in Spanish, and Eduardo angrily says “what are you saying?!”
Back with the others, Matthew has two women (who resemble Bratty and Catty from Undertale) beside him, and he boasts about how he did that all himself.
Panning back to Sheriff and Edward, Edward says he’ll be welcome in his home back in England, and Thompson declines. The man with the donkey from earlier grabs Thompson and says “have you seen my ass?” while crying. Thompson then decides England doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Back to the present day, Edd finishes reading the diary, and looks back at Matt and Tom. Tom is dressed as Thompson, helping Matt out from the cage. Edd asks if it’s sheriff Thompson, and Tom says he just needed dry clothes. An easter egg in this episode is that you can see that the statue of Thompson no longer has clothes on.
Edd sees the bottle of Co-La in the statue of Edward’s pocket, and he takes it. He says everyone needs a little something, before drinking it.
It cuts to Edd puking in the toilet. Tom asks outside why he would drink a 100-year-old bottle of Cola, and it ends with Edd saying “I don’t know!” before continuing to get sick.